Picture it. It's June. 2004. Bubby receives a letter from a young woman who calls herself, "Confused". Why? Because the man of her desire is playing the wishy-washy game with her. He says he loves her, he says he wants to marry her. Then he doesn't want to marry her. Then he does. Then he doesn't. What's a woman to do? Write to Bubby, that's what.
"Confused" spilled her guts to us in a lengthy letter, telling Bubby - "I worry that if I don't accept his proposal, another one won't be forthcoming so quickly. I'm worried that if I accept ... that eventually the marriage will dissolve because it was created under bad circumstances."
Bubby agreed with this young woman's concerns, saying, "You are not confused but this boyfriend of yours certainly is... You are young and deserve someone who will respect, admire, and love you."
So, nu? A year and a half has gone by, and we want to know... how DOES this story end?
I broke up with that boyfriend. To make a long story short, he basically went out, bought a ring, told me he was going to propose and then, on the day he had planned to propose, he called me up and told me he couldn't go through with it. I decided I was worth more than all of this.
About 2 months later I met another amazing man. This was a totally different relationship, so healthy and unlike any other relationship I ever had. In fact, it was so different, I kept wondering why I wasn't fighting or crying, or where the drama was.
4 months after we started dating we got engaged, and we're getting married in 3 weeks time!! Obviously, all relationships take work, but the effort put into this relationship feels like an investment and not like a drain.
Thanks for emailing, Bubby.
I'm no longer confused.
We actually received this update letter many months ago, but only got around to posting it now. Which means... our writer is married by now! Congratulations and Mazel Tov.
A Reader Responds
On October 18, Bubby responded to a letter from a recently divorced woman who was having trouble understanding why she couldn't bring herself to date. She had two kids, and a good attitude about life... but couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she wasting the best years of her single life away by staying home with the cat.
Bubby responded, "I guess you have not gotten over your divorce yet, but you will. " Well, that was some pretty blunt insight for a grandma to call this woman out on. But was Bubby's response right on, or in left field?
Our sweet reader lets us know...
Thank you so much for answering my letter. You are right. I am not over my divorce. I hadn't thought about it before, I had just thought I had moved on which in essence I have. I guess I have just not moved on far enough to accept it. Strange how one sentence from someone else can have such an impact.
I think at this point I resist dating so much is because I want to be there for my kids. They need me above anything else that is going on.
Again thanks for answering and your insight.
In April of this year, we received a letter from a girl who feared she was being "stalked" by a younger classmate. She assured us, "He is the embodiment of super-geeky... really, he is." Well, Bubby did not take this lightly. Band camp member or not, this young man needed to get the message once and for all. Bubby advised, that as kindly as possible, she needed to say to that horn-blower, "Get Lost!"
So... did our heroine get her wish that week, or is she still being followed by super-geek?
Thank you so much for your advice! I took up one of your suggestions to tell my "stalker" to get lost. Of course, I said it as kindly as possible. (I really didn't want to hurt his feelings.) Since I did this, he has been following me less and less.
He still follows me a little bit, since it seems that stalking is in his nature! However, I find myself being able to walk with other friends in the hallway instead of being stalked. (and in the rare event that I am stalked, I am able to put up with it, at least...) I really appreciate your help in my situation.
By the way, my stalker has new prey! (one his own age, at least!!!)
Thank you, Bubby!
The freed one (previously, the "stalked")
I am 34 and divorced. The first year or two after my ex and I separated were awful and I dated a lot because I hated being single. I have now come to terms with being single and I am very happy with where I am at in life. I no longer even want to date. Therein lies the problem. I am not interested in a relationship at all. I get asked out a lot but always find excuses.
People are telling me that I am wasting the best years of my life being single and I should be out enjoying myself. I fear I am becoming set in my ways and am never going to want to be in a relationship again. Am I destined to become a single crazy cat lady?
Single and Content With a Cat
P.S. I have 2 children ages 7 & 9.
Dear Single and Content,
I guess you have not gotten over your divorce yet, but you will. Join some club, ask you friends to introduce you to their male friends. Soon you will be looking forward to going out.
At your age you should be able to judge who is a nice guy and who is not. I admit, it is not easy to find a person of the right age but give it a try. In the meantime be a good parent to your children - they need you.
I am a really lonely guy in college. I have always had one true friend, whom I loved dearly and really cared for. Now she is happy with her boyfriend and wonderful family, which really makes me happy too. The problem is that I have never really had any real friends except for this girl, and she has now got her own interests. That doesn't upset me, in fact it makes me feel proud of her. But I am finding it difficult to find new friendships in college.
I really dearly miss my friend, and I can sometimes get quite upset, but it's not her fault. In fact, I couldn't be happier for her. She wasn't my girlfriend, just a casual friend. But seeing her happy makes me realize how lonely I am at college.
I wish I had someone to love, someone to care for and cherish. I have turned very shy because of the first impression I gave when I first arrived: a timid guy, someone who can't speak up for himself. I know I can, but I am so unsure about it. This doesn't help me when it comes to talking to girls, let alone trying to start a loving relationship.
It's also difficult because I am just 17 and I feel swamped by what adults say to me about young relationships. I know that if I found the right person I would treat her like a princess, love her, cherish her and care for her as much as I possibly could. But I can't find that special person, and I really would like to meet someone, to share my love with.
I really appreciate your help, thank you.
Dear Lost/Nice Guy,
It is good to be happy for your friend. You should tell her in person how happy you are and see what she says. And you go on from there. Ask her to introduce you to some of her friends. I am sure she would say OK. At the same time talk to your friends about how you feel and ask them to introduce you to some girls. You could become involved in some of the campus activities and you will meet lots of girls and you will lose your shyness.
You can do all this but at the expense of your studies. Your future depends on how you do now. Once you get out of college your shyness will be in the past. You will need all your energy to land a job in your field.
I am 16 years old and am deeply in love with a guy. Bubby, please tell me how should I tell him about this.
Actually he is in my class and I cannot ask him to explain anything to me about our lessons, like you advised someone else in your last letter, because I am very, very shy. I don't want people to know about this.
I also want to tell you that it is not at all just a crush, but true love. I have loved him since 9th grade and I am still unable to tell him. I have loved him for 2 years and he doesn't know anything about it.
I tried to contact him through our school's website the other day but he hasn't replied. Now I am waiting and waiting......................
Bubby, please help me because I can't wait anymore to tell him all about this. Sometimes I feel that I should keep looking at him for my whole life. Oh, Bubby, please respond to my letter. I have written these types of letters to other people but have gotten no replies. I will really be very grateful to you if you give me some advice about it. I am really in great trouble and remain very sad these days.
Someone who is in great trouble and deeply in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Deeply in Love,
If you were ill, you go to the doctor and tell him all about you feel. So, since you feel to strongly for this young man, why don't you tell him how you feel and you will soon find out how he feels about you.
Good or bad, this will help both of you a lot. You will know if he cares and is shy, or if he does not care one way or another. It may be a happy answer. If not, it may hurt, but you will know the truth and plan accordingly.
I hope it comes out the way you hope.
I'm thirteen and I've got a nice life. I love my family, and school is great. The only problem I've got is about a friend. We've known each other since we were three, and we were always the best friends in the world.
But now we have changed. I love reading and I'm the best in my class, but she's lazy and she's getting really annoying because she's all the time watching people's clothes and all that stuff, and I hate it.
Even so, we've kept really close. But this year, a new student came to our school. She's a lot more like me, and we are real friends. The trouble is that my older friend doesn't like her, and she always tries to take me away from her. Now, my new friend got angry with me because of the older friend, and I don't know what to do! Should I just forget about my old friend and try to get closer to the new one? Or should I trust in what I've already got?
Dear Just Me,
As we grow older we are bound to acquire new friends and lose old friends. In your case I think you should be very honest with your old friend. Explain to her that you like her a lot - after all, you grew up together.
But now you have met a new girl that you like also and you want to be her friend. There is no reason that the three of you cannot be friends. You will learn from each other as you grow up. Then it will be up to this old friend to tell you why she does not like this new friend.
As you grow you will each meet many people with whom you will be friends. You may have one special friend but you should have many more or you will be lonely. I know a group of six girls who grew up together and are very good friends for many years.
Explain that to your old friend. She should understand and if she does not - she has not grown up yet.
I am 16 years and having a huuuuuuugeeeeeeee crush on someone but he doesn't even know it. I want to tell him about this but don't want that none of his friends know about all this. I also tried my best to find his email address but all in vain.
Please help me about how should I tell him about my feelings for him. My problem is that I am a bit of an introvert. That is why I am shy in telling him directly that I love him.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE............................... RESPOND to my letter
Someone in love
Dear Someone in love,
From your age I can tell you, you are still quite young. Too young to tell if what you are suffering from is "love" or "puppy love". I think what you should do is first get to know this young man. Is he in one of your classes? You can start by asking him to explain something that the class is studying and slowly get to become friends. That is all that you can expect at this time. As your friendship grows, you will learn more about him.
My guess is that you won't "love" him very much after all because you will be looking at another boy with the same dreamy eyes.
Give it a try.
I don't know what's wrong with me. My life is going great. I have good friends, my grades are good and I have a boyfriend who really cares for me. But I'm not happy.
I want to break up with my boyfriend but his last girlfriend really hurt him when she broke up with him. I don't want to hurt him but I feel I have to end it. What do I do?
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
If you want to break up with this current boyfriend it is very simple. Just tell him you are calling your relations with him over. Tell him that you are too young to tie yourself down and you want to meet other boys.
He may be unhappy but I think that when he thinks it over he will understand that it is the best for both of you. True, he may not like it, but you have to think of yourself.
So take the plunge.
I am 48 years old and I met someone new after a couple of months of being separated from my ex. That was in 1999 and it is now 2005. I am still (somewhat) involved with this person I met. It has taken so much out of me but I still want something to come of it. But what? - I don't know.
As of now we both live in different cities in the same state. He has changed his telephone number and calls only to hang up or leave a message. When I try to answer my phone if he is calling, he hangs up. I am so sad and lost and I know we don't work, but I still keep hoping.
I know this sounds absurd to anyone reading this, but the problem is... I am living it. Please give some guidance. I am lost.
Dear Still Hoping,
I think that it is time to give up on this person. Everything he has done tells you he is finished. I hope that you will meet someone who is much nicer. This person doesn't even have the inclination to tell you the truth. But all that he has done should show you that he does not want to continue your relationship so give up and find someone who will be nicer.
Don't be upset - just write this episode off as experience and put it out of your mind.
Hi Mrs. Bubby lady,
I have a problem. My sister just got a boyfriend and he can only talk on the phone ten minutes a day, usually when I have just began a really important conversation with my cousin.
I don't know what to do. He can only talk 10 minutes, so sometimes I get off, and sometimes my mom takes the phone and hangs up on my cousin. I think that's rude, but what can I do?
Sometimes we are just signing off when my sister starts to complain. She is a real pain now. Plus, I always get stuck taking care of her dog that only she can brush and only she can do this and that with. And I can't even show any pictures of the dog to my friends.
So I think she and my mom are being totally unfair and need to take a chill-pill. Any advice?
If the rule in your house is that you can only have a 10 minute conversation, you must abide with this. If you want to change the rule, you should have a heart-to-heart talk with your parents. You should not tie up the phone too long. There may be an important message that can't get through.
As far as the dog is concerned, if the dog is your sisters, and not yours, she is the one who has first rights to the dog. Did you ever do something to the dog that makes her not want you to play with the dog?
You don't tell me how old you are but I think your problems are those of a young girl and I am sure your mother and sister could get all these problems straightened out. Have a talk with both of them at the same time and clear the air.
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